I’m glad to see the challenger for my job here today, Brian Desloge. Brian owns an oxygen supply store here in Tallahassee. When I first heard he was running for my County Commission seat I wondered if he was getting enough of his own product. But when I heard Brian was taking political advice from Tony Grippa, I knew he’d never pass out from lack of hot air.

Now, don’t think I’m poor-mouthing Tony Grippa’s political ability! He’s running almost every campaign in town right now, so he must know something! In fact, and a lot of people don’t know this, in addition to his many political skills, Tony Grippa is also a talented ventriloquist. If you don’t believe it, just watch him sometime. His lips don’t move at all when Ed DePuy is speaking.

The big news at the county lately is the controversy with Ion Sancho, the Secretary of State, and the three big voting machine companies. Fortunately for us, Leon County’s Grand Inquisitor Tony Grippa is on the case, and won’t let Ion get away with counting a single vote!

Maybe Tony doesn’t think we need a Supervisor of Elections at all, and maybe he’s got a point. It’d be much easier, and much cheaper, to decide our local elections by a show of hands during happy hour at Café Cabernet.

But a lot of folks are asking me if holding a Spanish-style inquisition from the County Commission dias is the right procedure to address the voting machines controversy. I’ve done a little research on this, and believe it or not, there IS a precedent for it in our history. Here’s the procedure:

Step 1: The afflicted person or party makes a complaint to the Magistrate about the suspected witch.

Step 2: The accused witch or warlock, in this case, Ion Sancho, is taken into custody and examined by two or more Magistrates, in this case Tony Grippa and Ed DePuy. If the Magistrates find the defendant to have practiced witchcraft, or is found to have had foul associations with such ungodly groups as Common Cause or the Sierra Club, he or she is probably guilty of necromancy.

Step 3: The case is then remanded to the Grand Jury, as has already been suggested in the Sancho matter. If the accused is indicted by the Grand Jury, he or she is then tried before the Court of Oyer and Terminer.

Step 4: If convicted, the accursed one is sentenced by the Court. In each case at Salem in 1692, the convicted defendant was sentenced to be hanged, and the sentence was carried out by the Sheriff and his deputies on the specified date.

Now, we have all the players here in Leon County that they had back then, and this scenario is already playing out as those trials did. Can’t you just see Larry Campbell licking his chops at the thought of stringing up Ion Sancho on the courthouse lawn?

Thanks to everyone for your indulgence, thanks to my colleagues for being good sports, and happy St. Patrick’s Day to one and all.